The Truth About Nursing
Posted on Sunday, August 2nd, 2009 at 9:17 pmWhen I gave birth to London almost 4 years ago, I really wanted to nurse her. I tried and tried for the first night but she couldn’t latch on. I found out the next morning that she had a cleft palate and wasn’t able to suck. So I pumped for 9 months. I was a local celebrity. Whenever I would go to WIC, the ladies there would tell me how great I was and how they would tell all sorts of women about me because I was pumping exclusively. I’ll admit, it wasn’t easy. I got many, many clogged milk ducts, but it really wasn’t too bad. By the time I was established and in a routine, I only had to pump 3 times a day and I produced way more milk than London ate. My freezer was full. Still, I was always jealous of those women who could just whip it out any time, anywhere and nurse their baby. They were always prepared. They never had to prepare a bottle (or clean a bottle, for that matter). “Next time,” I would think, “I’ll be able to do that.” I would dream about how nice and convenient that would be.
My dream came true with my second child. He was born with an intact palate and latched on quite well from the beginning. I had heard about how nursing could be a little painful in the beginning, but it would get better quickly as long as the baby was latched on properly. I always heard about how great it is for the baby and how natural and wonderful it is. I honestly thought that the women who had a really hard time with it either didn’t care enough to make it work, or didn’t try hard enough. It’s a natural thing. What could be so hard about it?
There are a lot of things I wasn’t told about nursing, or I didn’t care to hear or believe. Some women love it. Not me. I really do hate it. Every time I need to nurse, I put it off as long as possible because I dislike it so much. It makes me mad at my baby that it’s so hard. If you think that’s a good way to bond with your child, more power to you! I know it’s not like this for everybody, but I also know that there are a lot of women who feel the same as me but don’t voice their frustrations so publicly. Maybe there’s a little bit of shame in the fact that I can’t produce what my baby needs when all I hear is how good breast milk is for the baby and the mother and why wouldn’t any mother do it? I’m going to attempt to break down for you what nursing is really like. At least what it’s really like for me.
Month 1: The first couple of weeks were rough. I had a baby who was eating well and latched on great, but I was still recovering from giving birth and on top of that, I was really sore from nursing. That went away, my milk was established, and I felt like things were moving in the right direction.
Month 2: As soon as I felt like things might be getting to be okay, Ashton became a huge pain to feed. He would scream every time I tried to feed him. I didn’t know if he was getting enough because he hardly ate every time I fed him. I got to the point where I was willing to try anything to help him. I had heard that a lot of babies are lactose intolerant so I decided to cut dairy out of my diet. This seemed to help a bit. The doctor also prescribed acid reflux medication for him. I think the combination of those two things helped calm him down quite a bit. I can remember having one good nursing experience. “If every time I nursed could be like this, I could handle it,” I thought. Again, I thought things were getting better.
Month 3: Ashton started off nursing fine but now he’s growing and getting stronger. He would kick and grab and move around and pull of and get mad all at the same time. I was starting to get really sore again. I felt like I was starting over again. Finally I had enough and set up an appointment to see the nurse. Apparently I was doing everything just right. He’s latched on well. The problem is, he’s just not getting it fast enough. She gave me a few suggestions that I was already doing, and told me to just keep at it. Now we’re rounding the corner into the 4th month and I’ve almost given up. I started pumping so that I could heal. I wasn’t healing. In fact, I was getting worse. I called the doctor and was put on anti-biotics for a breast infection. I’m feeling much better and finally starting to heal again, but I can’t say I’ll be nursing this baby again. I have been pumping and have found out that I don’t produce enough milk. I bought formula and have been supplementing with that, but I think it’s making my baby constipated. I guess it’s time to try a new formula. I feel bad that I have a formula fed baby. I didn’t want that. I wanted it to work out this time. I’ve finally come to grips with the fact that I’ll likely never be that woman who just loves to nurse. It will always be and inconvenience and a chore. I’m still pumping, still trying to bring my supply up. I’m just not quite ready to give up completely yet. I still keep thinking that maybe once I heal, I can have some good experiences with nursing. Realistically, that’s not going to happen. I’ll see what this week holds for me, but I’m not crossing my fingers expecting a miracle.
I tried to keep it positive. I apologize for any negativity you may be reading, but I think it’s important for women to know that nursing really isn’t for everyone. And that’s okay. It’s important for me to know that.
Again, I just love your honesty. And you’re definitely not alone. Mylie was super easy to nurse, but even I really wasn’t that attached to it. Maybe it’s because I’d always heard my mom proclaim how amazing it was, so it was kind of a let down. But it was basically… hmm, meh, for me. But I did it because it was “best” and because I was too lazy to pump or clean bottles all the time. I decided with my second I wasn’t going to care, and was going to supplement with formula from the beginning. But of course, he had other ideas and wouldn’t take a bottle of any kind for 10 months, nor was he a super breast-feeder. He basically just wanted steak, so we started with solids earlier, at like 4 months and that seemed to do the trick. But I definitely wasn’t feeling the love with nursing either one, so I can only imagine what it would be like with all the extra trials. You’re an awesome mom though, so don’t worry. When he gets to kindergarten, no one is going to look at him as say “Gasp! You were a formula fed baby, weren’t you!?”
Hey its all good!! Whatever you decide will work! I admire you for voicing it and I feel your pain. Addy had thrush every month for the first 3-4 months of her life! It sucked! Purple was everywhere!!! Anywho…let me know when you come to town and we can have a play date!
Nursing is probably the most un-natural thing. Seriously. I shed many tears about it when Dallin was born. It took over a month for things to not be terribly painful and for him to learn to latch on correctly. I went to a lactation consultant…did all of that like you. It got better and then was a breeze for the next year and with the next two.I LOVE it now.
I can’t believe all that you have been through in only a few months! Breastfeeding issues ++++ an infection? You are waaaay patient, and potty training too! I think you are truly amazing and love reading your blog. Like Karli said, such honesty! You say what many women feel. I hope that things from here on out get better for you!
I am with you 100%. Breastfeeding my first was a shock of the worst kind. Nursing my second wasn’t much better– even after seeking professional help, putting in significant effort, and even getting multiple priesthood blessings. I “hate” very few things in life, but (to the shagrin of the LaLecheLeague and the like) breastfeeding is one of them. I remember admitting that fact and how good that felt.
Dreading nursing again has been stronger birth control than anything else. 
There is NO SHAME in formula. Sanity and mother-baby relationship must be a priority, too. To each her own, sistah! I hope things get better for you– and soon!
I’m sorry to hear things have been so rough. I’m pro-breastfeeding and I love to nurse, but I completely respect your choice. I think the experience is different for every woman. NO ONE can say that you didn’t try your hardest. You are obviously an amazing mother. Who knows, maybe getting the infection cleared up will help. Whatever happens, you have to do what is best for you and your little guy. I know it’s easier said than done, but you shouldn’t feel bad at all. I hope you can find a formula that works well with his tummy so you can all move on and be happy/healthy.
I don’t think you were negative in this post, you were just being honest. Breastfeeding is seriously one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done in my life, no lie. No one should be critical of you, because you’ve tried to do what’s best for you and Ashton. I feel the same way about the whole birthing experience. It’s different each time and for each person. I hope everything works out well, because I understand how hard that is.
Oh I had no idea!! I am so sorry that it has been so bad!! I KNOW I am one of those women you thought weren’t trying hard enough hu!!?
I’m just kidding! It was awful with Ian!! Just Awful and I hated how easy it was for EVERYONE on the planet – even pumping Kiersten (well it seemed anyway 
! Everyone had a perfect schedule – slept at night and actually had a life . . . Except me!!! I remember Kiersten, I do! Now however, child number 2 . . . A breeze. Nursed for one year – not one infection and not one drop of formula – ever. My point . . don’t through nursing down the drain as a whole. Maybe Ashton is like how Ian was. There might be a child somewhere in your future that is like my Nathan and completely changes your mind. I hope you get one of those. When it is so easy it THEN feels natural and right. And THEN can be enjoyed! 
And FYI Ian is a TOTALLY happy healthy kid. He was supplemented his ENTIRE life. Ashton got his first 4 months with you!! You should be proud of that missy!! Good job!!
But for now – those feelings of HATING it – yes I personally have been there! You are not alone!
I must say, I do love your blog. You are honest and still positive through it all! I hate the perception people put out there that “breastfeeding is best”…because it’s not the best for everybody. I definitely struggled with it for a good while. I loved parts of it, but I DIDN’T love the publicity of it all. (I’m such a private person–whipping out my boobs while hiding a wiggling, crying baby under a blanket in the heat of summer? NOT so easy for me!) And it is so hard to know if they’re getting enough to eat…and what type of “schedule” to get them on…etc etc. It took me a long while to realize that I can come up with my own parenting techniques, and that I don’t have to follow a book or what others tell me to do! So do what you feel is right for YOU and Ashton. That’s what matters!
Hey, don’t feel bad. As I read the preivous comments it brought me back to how I felt when I decided not to breastfeed Bailey or pump. Bailey has been on formula since she was a day old. I didn’t know if I wanted to breastfeed, but thought I would give it a try. It was so hard and the nurses stressed me out so much that I decided in the hospital to stop trying. I felt horrible at first. I felt like such a failure. I couldn’t give birth to my child “normally.” I had to have a C-section, and now I wasn’t going to breast-feed her. Don’t worry about what others think. Breastfeed, pumping or formula, he’s going to be fine. Bailey is a perfectly healthy little girl, and I now have no qualms about choosing to give her formula, and I doubt I will differ with our next one.
As for the constipation, we put anti-gas drops (Rite Aid Infant Gas Relief) in everyone of Bailey’s bottles for the about the 1st 5 months (doctor recommended). They worked great. She’s now off and has no problems.